Things to Make and Do Part 1: The Hand-Knitted Scarf

8 Feb

[DISCLAIMER -some point after the writing and printing processes of this fanzine we decided to turn it into a shiny pretty blog. As you hopefully know, since you’re currently reading it…. So the first paragraph about making it with scissors and glue now doesn’t make so much sense. But then neither does the other 99.9% of this fanzine/blog so it doesn’t really matter. Enjoy it anyway.]

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You may not have noticed, but this fanzine is shit. Now I know you’re shocked at this revelation, but it’s true; it’s amateurishly written and shoddily produced by someone who thinks Word 98 is a cutting edge graphic design application. Desktop publishing for us involves hiding my scissors, prittstick and stuff I’ve printed off the works computer under yesterday’s Metro when my boss comes past. But you know what, we really don’t care. We’re fed up of the mass produced, the overly neat, the sleek, slick and perfectly formed, in football as much as in society in general. Glossy magazines full of polished carefully planned quotes from pre-briefed footballers, every word carefully chosen to be as bland as possible, boringly professional photos showing 25 million megapixels of fuck all of interest. Smarmy men in shiny suits coming out with slick market speak to get shiny plastic fans to buy shiny plastic crap to create a shiny plastic atmosphere in a shiny plastic stadium.

This attitude of everything having to be professionally made, officially sanctioned, perfectly designed to within an inch of its life has become far too evident from those who should know better. Fanzines with a corporate image, flags and banners expensively printed on top quality, erm, plastic; come on, where’s the individuality, the creativity, the home made, the hand made, the misspelt and the misshaped? Well, here, blatantly, for starters.

Gripped by a bout of borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered 70s and 80s, Terrace Bint brings you yet another half-arsed bunch of scribblings based on ideas nicked by other fanzines slung in together with some things we’ve seen on the internet and called an article. Part DIY punk, part Brownies badge exercise, roll up your sleeves, get the scissors out, and cut out and keep the first in a probably irregular series of (Football Related) Things to make and do!

Number 1: The Hand-Knitted Scarf.

According to one of my knitting books and a few ranty third wave feminist indie geek zines I’ve come across,“being anti-knitting is being anti-feminist”. Strong point, well put. Supposedly those women who reject traditional women’s crafts in favour of more masculine crafts like carpentry, metalwork and face-rearranging are accepting that only the activities that are traditionally done by men are worthwhile, and are therefore actively devaluing that which is traditionally seen as female. How does a woman using a traditionally female craft to create an item to declare her support for a traditionally male pursuit fit into this cultural critique I have often wondered? But then I decide I don’t really care and just swing my scarf round my head singing Che Sera Sera.

If you’ve never knitted your own football scarf, get down your nans with some wool RIGHT NOW and learn. Once you’ve made one I guarantee you’ll be hooked. Start off with a normal sized one in your home colours, either plain or with simple stripes, nothing difficult. Take it to a game and impress everyone with your “mad skills”. Maybe do another one with a thin stripe of a third colour. Then another one and reverse the colours. And another one in away colours. Then an extra long one for when its really cold. Then start embroidering letters onto each stripe, your club’s initials in alternating or contrasting colours works well. Then an extra wide one with the club’s full name and possibly nickname embroidered on. Then an extra long one with a different players name on each stripe. Then an extra long, extra wide one that could wrap around the entire first team squad and a few reserves 3 times in 5 colours with the name of every player and the result of every FA Cup game you’ve played since 1976 embroidered on. Buy a decrepid house full of cats, piss yourself on a regular basis and get thrown out of public places for groping teenage boys and randomly screaming “MONEY GRABBING CORPORATE BASTARDS!“ at confused passers by. Last few steps are optional.

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